Issue date: 6/21/05 Section: Opinion

In the past, cows have maintained a reputation as docile and gentle creatures, but recent events have shown that they are no longer to be trusted and should be avoided at all costs.

Two weeks ago in Nigeria, a bus driver made an unscheduled stop along the highway in order to relieve himself. Unfortunately, Nigeria is not peppered with gas stations and burger joints - as any country undoubtedly should be - and the bus driver was forced to empty his bladder on the side of the road, completely unaware that this whiz would be his last. According to reports from Reuters, an angry cow snuck up behind the man (more than likely he was whistling loudly as all men do when urinating) and struck him to the ground. Caught with his pants down, the bus driver was trampled to death by the cow, which then proceeded to attack other bystanders, mortally wounding two of them.

Despite cries to execute the cow, Nigerian police placed it under arrest and detained it back at the station. Kudos to the officers who successfully apprehended the behemoth and placed it in an air-conditioned facility with three meals a day to think about what it had done. Recently the "killer cow" was released on bail upon the arrest of the cow's owner. Rumors spread that the cow was going to be killed and cooked by the police, but instead, it was sent to live freely among other domestic cattle.

Obviously the Nigerian police have been bought off by animal rights activists. What sort of world is it that a man may be mowed down when he is the most vulnerable and his killer not only escapes justice, but is sent to an all-you-can-eat grass buffet at the taxpayers' expense?

Another cow attack occurred just a week ago in England. According to the BBC, a woman was jumped early one morning by a cow while walking her dog. She later died from the injuries she sustained. Experts claim that the cow thought that the woman's dog was a threat and acted in self-defense. Such theories should be ignored considering that it isn't compatible with the Nigeria incident - unless the Nigerian cow perceived the pantless bus driver as a threat.

The chronological closeness between these two events, coupled with the great distance between them can only suggest one thing: uprising.

No one would have suspected that a species of animals dumb enough to eat themselves to death would turn on mankind, but they probably had it planned all along. Perhaps there is some sort of undetected bovine conspiracy of violence brought on by encouragement from animal rights groups to revolt and agitation from not having been milked on a regular basis.

Regardless, cows everywhere can no longer be trusted. Do not approach a cow, no matter what - even if offered an endless supply of hormone-free milk. It's just not worth the risk. Also, if you must urinate on a roadside, make sure to carry a cattle prod and use the buddy system. And if a cow does attack, well, aim for its eyes.

Jim Foreman is a junior mechanical engineering major.

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