Issue date: 6/30/08 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: File, the battalion Fortunately, the sheer heat destroys your taste buds after the first few wings. Unfortunately, it took me an hour just to finish one. By hour two, I was less than halfway through and started to get adrenaline shakes so bad I could hardly get the food to my mouth. [Click to enlarge]

Usually, the word "free" is a very positive thing: free food, free love, free pEr.$crip-tIOn drugs. So I was very shocked to find the "free" T-shirt I had won actually came at a very high price. So shocked, in fact that I threw up from sheer indignation, although perhaps that was because I had spent the previous four hours poisoning myself.

You see, a local restaurant/laundromat offers a supposedly rewarding challenge known as "release form wings." So called because they are so spicy that the restaurant makes you sign a waiver before purchasing them. Those few brave souls who manage to eat all eight wings receive a free T-shirt, as well as a name plaque on the wall commemorating their accomplishment. At the time I was there, this challenge had only been completed by about 80 people.

Now consuming food is one of my greatest talents, so when I heard that you could win free stuff for eating it seemed perfect. I suppose I should have thought twice when the waitress brought out the complimentary barf buckets. Apparently this kind of catastrophic failure is rather common and that probably explains why we got dirty looks from the staff as soon as we ordered. "I'll go get the forms," said our waitress in tones usually reserved for phrases like "I spat in your order while you weren't looking." I swear I've never seen someone so angry to have customers. I guess they just knew what was coming.

There is a lot of fanfare that goes into ordering these wings. As soon as you order, you suddenly become the center of attention for the entire restaurant. "He's getting the release form wings!" people whisper back and forth, staring, in the same sort of way you might stare and whisper "He's got leprosy" to the people sitting next to you.

Continued...

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