Spring Break
Aggie underworld
It's cold outside and, like an ostrich seeks security, the answer to our problems can be found underground.
By: Kenny Ryan
Issue date: 1/23/09 Section: Opinion
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Luckily, wielding my immense powers of cognition, I have developed the perfect solution to the cold weather quandary: Texas A&M should open the steam tunnels to students as a method of travel protected from the elements.
Just imagine it, Ags; the weather outside is frightful, but in our underground sauna, it's warm and delightful. Shed those bulky and unsightly winter coats. Instead, don your best summer wear or a towel around the waist as you make your way from class to class in a tunnel system that will be the envy of the nation.
As the t-sips, Raiders and Bears scamper across their frigid campus wastelands, Aggies will leisurely stroll down steamy hallways that keep us warm as they relieve us of the stresses of a long, hard day. No university in the country can boast that its students enjoy a free sauna on the way to class. A&M has the facilities to make it happen.
Of course, opening the steam tunnels would just be the first step of this bold and innovative campus transit system. When the winter has passed and the summer months are upon us, the University could send work crews into the tunnels to install - you guessed it - underground moving sidewalks.
The possibilities are truly endless. The tunnels could be decorated with disco balls and fish aquariums. New tunnels could be dug, as well as levees to connect the underground to the Kyle Field lazy river, which should also be built soon. A veritable underground world could be created for the use of A&M students when the weather makes life above ground unbearable.
When the surface of the earth inevitably becomes inhospitable, A&M will be a step ahead of the rest of the world as species migrate under the earth. Aggies, ever the hard workers, will use the fantastical underground facilities to gradually evolve into the Morlocks of H. G. Wells' imagination. T-sips, always considered the more delicate of Texas' collegiate students, shall evolve on the surface into the lackadaisical Eloi.
In case you haven't read your H.G. Wells lately, Morlocks eat Eloi. Whoop for that.
Therefore, A&M must develop its steam tunnels into the transit system they were always meant to be. Not just for the present, but for the future.
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