Issue date: 1/30/09 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: Kelli Jasso [Click to enlarge]

Media Credit: Tiffany Tran [Click to enlarge]

Among modern Americans, the start of a new year means making resolutions with the goal of improving oneself in mind. This practice often means Weight Watchers, Nicotine patches and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Roughly 85 percent of Americans fail to achieve their New Year's resolutions, according to Stephen Kraus, a published, Harvard-educated psychologist. Today, those vowing to change their lifestyle by taking on traditional resolutions not only face those challenges, but completing these goals in troubling economic times.

How's your resolution going? Statistically, you've probably already failed. But don't agonize too much. In this economy, New Year's resolutions are a plague on America's future.

Popular resolutions like getting healthy, quitting smoking, settling debt, quitting drinking and enjoying life threaten the economic underpinning that makes the American way possible. For this reason, the following alternative resolutions are recommended:

Resolution #1: Have you called Jenny yet?

America needs unhealthy people more than ever before. While the National Center for Health Statistics reports the number of obese Americans outnumber the overweight, there still aren't enough unhealthy people. KIV-TV in Boise, Idaho, presented an article titled, "Slumping Economy Hurts Idaho Hospitals," because of a lack of patients, Idaho area hospitals are struggling to pay bills. Healthy baby boomers need to hurry up and age; the country is running out of time.

Americans need to stop selfishly eating cheap meals like Lean Cuisine and SlimFast. Starbucks is pink-slipping thousands of employees. In the name of all that is good and holy, don't let the "tall, half-skinny, whole milk, extra hot split quad shot (two shots decaf, four shots regular) latte with whip" die with the beef industry. This may be a difficult concept to grasp as Americans are repeatedly told that getting healthy and exercising leads to a better life, when in fact smoking and eating as much as possible is what they should really be doing to help.

Americans need to remain overweight. Not only are we really good at it, but keeping weight-loss organizations from joining the increasingly high pile of failed businesses is critical. Have McDonalds at mealtime. Watch television for at least four hours a day. If the trial period for that gym membership is near expiration, you don't have to cancel it. Just eat a lot of junk food every day so you'll have to renew your subscription next year. Yeah, the U.S. is fighting two wars and "terrorism," but let our elected officials handle that. We've got bigger fish to fry for dinner.

Resolution #2: Thank you for smoking

Many Americans include "quit smoking" on their New Year's resolution list. President Obama is even trying to kick the habit, but smokers help the American economy.

The tobacco industry creates, as Joe Biden would say verbosely, "a three-letter word: J.O.B.S." Smokers contribute to the GDP by providing modest jobs not only to illegal immigrants, but farmers, distributors, sellers and advertising agencies. It's a valuable addiction, as millions pour money into the economy annually.

Tobacco taxes aid the government by increasing tax revenue, which helps pay for welfare and other government-assisted programs. Welfare programs and other government-assisted programs would be even more inadequately funded than they already are if it weren't for smokers. Thus, smokers help those "free-loading" citizens live.

Moreover, patriotic smokers practice their God-given freedoms daily-not everyone can attest to that. Things are rough enough without people purposefully eliminating billions of dollars from our sick economy.

Bottom line: true patriots don't quit.

Resolution #3: Stop being thrifty; go into deeper debt.

Perhaps the most popular resolution this year is to become debt-free. However, hoarding cash, like other popular resolutions, kills the economy and is greedy. The state of our economy shows what happens when people stop spending. You may be more inclined to save right now. However, thriftiness will not only hurt you in the future, but also the world. So buy Fiji water-it tastes better. Go out to dinner nightly. Your domestic economy depends upon it.

Resolution #4: Channel your inner feelings.

For the economy's sake, it would be an admirable sacrifice to not enjoy life. Depression and anger should be prescribed to those who desire monetary success. After all, stress is natural; it's the American way. Ergo, it's no surprise that the stressful lives Americans lead makes "enjoying life more" one of the top resolutions for the new year.

Living in a depression can make one sad, but Time Magazine's John Cloud said depression and despondency are good in economically troubled times.

Cloud applied a research study from Psychological Science, which reported that despondency correlates with increased consumer spending. Self-professed "shopaholics" use shopping as therapy. No wonder novellas like "Confessions of a Shopaholic" are popular. So while you're responsibly sitting at home balancing your checkbook, it's the 16-year-old spending her Dad's money on a superfluous handbag who is helping secure America's future. Makes you a bit angry, doesn't it? Excellent.

Angry people are typically rash and take the risks necessary in most business endeavors. Cloud put it best when he said, "Taking great risk to chase great reward is, arguably, the essence of capitalism; a couple of kids max out their credit cards and work late nights in a garage, and a few years later, they sell YouTube for $1.6 billion."

All the working stiffs in America should accept their frustration to get over this economic pothole, then unleash their anger and depression because recognizing negative emotions is financially beneficial.

Resolution #5: "Two shots of happy, one shot of sad."

Please don't quit drinking. Similar to the reasons chain smokers should continue buying cigarettes, alcoholics are a vital component of society. Those buying alcohol enhance their country's finances and their dance moves. A shot of whiskey only veils stress temporarily until you find yourself unhappy again. As noted earlier, being sad about the country is a patriotic thing because it helps the economy in the long run.

Also, liquor duties, or "sin taxes," help pay for Texas public schools. If you still think that self-prohibition is a productive New Year's resolution, fine. Just be prepared to tell little Sally Walker who Vincent van Gogh is, because her elementary school's art program no longer exists.

Those who try to combat this column's advice by searching on Amazon.com or Google for New Year's resolution articles will find a plethora of authors who attempt to delude readers into thinking that their resolutions are possible. These specialists' advice is not recommended, for they are typically Ph.D.s trying to dupe you into believing happiness is a conditional state, a truly un-American attitude. It hurts you and, you guessed it, the economy. Go ahead and buy those self-help books to pour money back into the country. Just use them for firewood later.

Proper New Year's resolution list (in order to be completed):
1. Purchase everything in your local shopping mall
2. Gain 200 pounds
3. Start smoking
4. Complete 40-second keg stand
5. Learn to polka

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