Issue date: 2/4/09 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: James cavin [Click to enlarge]

So there I was, minding my own business, when suddenly I noticed something on the wall. "**** you!" it said in blue ink and rather poor penmanship. I got out my red pen and changed "****" to "****." "****" is, in fact, spelled with only one "*." While this may seem nothing more than proof that English majors are mentally unbalanced, it highlights an increasingly virulent cultural plague. Namely, the inundation of bathroom graffiti across campus.

I have never understood what makes people feel the sudden urge to express themselves in this place. The breadth of subjects covered is astounding. I walked into a stall in the Evans library and was greeted by the command, "SMOKE WEED!" All caps.

Smoke weed? What the heck does that have to do with anything? I hate to burst your bubble, pal, but you aren't going to find any marijuana here and I certainly wouldn't recommend smoking anything you do find. The best part is when someone adds at the bottom, "No, don't, it will really mess up your life." Is anyone really in danger of looking up and seeing "Smoke weed!" on the bathroom wall and going, "Hey, what a great idea! I had never thought of doing that before. I'm going to go start a habit right now!"

I've never been that great at multi-tasking, so I suppose I have to give some begrudging admiration to anyone coordinated enough to smoke pot and relieve themselves at the same time. I'd just get my hands mixed up. I can see the emergency room doctor now: "Well, that explains the burn marks, but what happened to your face?"

Perhaps even stranger are those who feel led to engage in political dialogue. Driven by a fit of partisan patriotism, somebody writes the name of their favorite candidate across the toilet paper dispenser. Someone else will then add the word, "sucks," and an arrow pointing to the original remark, thus creating a witheringly witty retort. (Strangely, this doesn't seem all that different from mainstream political dialogue.)

Still, it seems a strange place to discuss the finer points of governmental theory. Maybe people are particularly vulnerable to ideological conversion at this moment.

Of course, even political ramblings are preferable to the people who just write random profanities on the wall and manage to misspell them. There is a special level in editorial hell for people who are incapable of spelling the word ****. You know, it's not that hard to spell. There needs to be a graffiti artist placement test or something to weed them out. "Sorry, pal, but you failed to correctly spell seven out of 10 four-letter words…I'm going to have to revoke your graffiti license."

Some people seem to grasp that spelling the word **** is beyond their mental capability and attempt to convey the same meaning in pictographic form. That's the only explanation I can think of for the motivation that drives people to draw genitalia everywhere.

If you're out there Mr. I-like-to-draw-genitals-on-the-wall, I recommend that you take a couple anatomy classes. Either that, or consult a physician IMMEDIATELY. When you're drawing them on the walls in a public restroom, it just seems a little redundant. "Oh, so that's what you use these things on the wall for. All these years, I thought they were funny-shaped water fountains!"

This compulsion seems to carry over outside of restrooms. Walls, street signs, unconscious strangers - nothing is safe. Fall asleep at a party and you might as well have a giant neon sign over your head that reads, "Please draw genitals on my face."

I don't even see what's so funny about it. "Well, see it's ironical-like, because it looks like he has genitals on his face, instead of where they're supposed to be." So the real question is, would it be equally funny to draw a face on his genitals?

I have come up with the solution to bathroom graffiti and it doesn't even involve jail time. When convicted of vandalism, the perpetrator should be taken out behind the courtroom and have the offending remark or picture tattooed, or branded, depending on cost, on his forehead. If it's funny enough to deface public property with, it's funny enough to publically display on your face.

Write your congressman today. Endorse proposition "In Your Face." Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some unfinished business to attend to.

Top 10 things to do instead of writing on the bathroom wall
1, Listen to your favorite playlist All of it.
2, Plan your next nap, in detail,
3, Read The Battalion
4, Sharpen your pencils.
5, Strike up a conversation.
6, Think of ways to avoid studying.
7, Submit an opinion to Mail Call.
8, Complete the daily sudoku.
9, Disinfect the flusher before hand contact.
10, No.1 and No.2.

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