Issue date: 3/3/09 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: James Cavin [Click to enlarge]

Spring is fast approaching, which means one thing. Like your inebriated uncle at the last family reunion, flu season is going to inflict as much possible damage on its way out (and maybe urinate on your front lawn.)

But don't worry, I'm here to hold your hand and walk you through each step in surviving these troubling times. You may want to wash your hand, though.

The first step is to contract the flu. While this may sound complicated, it is actually incredibly easy. For instance, breathe air. Or shake hands with a sick person. Or look at a sick person.

Once you've contracted the plague - I mean flu - start preparing for the days ahead. A last will and testament is a good place to start.

Now, people will tell you to stockpile fluids and imbibe them as much as possible, but this is the worst possible thing to do. See, drinking fluids means you have to dispose of fluids. Normally this task requires minimal effort especially if you stockpiled adult diapers like I did, other than the usual accuracy problems. However, when you have the flu, one of the first things that happens is your sense of balance is converted into phlegm. So the area of your brain normally responsible for making you walk without running into walls and trampling house pets decides to forgo its usual responsibilities and begin mass-producing treacle in your sinuses.

This disability makes taking care of "No. One" a very difficult procedure, especially if accuracy has never really been your thing. Some of you smart-alecky females out there may say "No. One" is easily taken care of while in a sitting position. To which I reply: I can't walk straight in the direction I'm facing, so what makes you think I can turn my back on something and perform a complicated action like sitting down with any hope of accuracy? Let's just say I got uncomfortably familiar with the corner of the bathroom countertop.

I finally found the perfect solution by taking a few feet of leftover rain gutter from the garage and duct-taping it directly to the edge of the couch. I probably should have put a bucket or something at the end, but hey, I was sick - you can't expect perfection.

Continued...

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