Spring Break
Young couples say 'yes' to disaster
Ready for financial ruin and the end of the world? Rush into your wedding.
By: Tracey Wallace
Issue date: 3/9/09 Section: Opinion
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One of those things was not true. I'm not kidding about the crawfish; I really do love it. So which is the outcast? I know, it's hard to tell. But here's a hint: get a room.
And after you do that, lock yourselves in. It's much appreciated by everyone who is forced to bear witness to your undying, unrelenting attraction.
Of course, there is one great thing I can say about most of the couples nearly fornicating on campus: they aren't getting married.
How do I know this, you may ask? The answer is simple. They aren't holding hands under the Century Tree, giving each leaf the predetermined names of their still-uncreated children. Oh, and when the sun hits them, I'm not questioning whether or not the engagement was for legit reasons - everlasting love - or because Planned Parenthood is just too expensive and the protestors outside are scary and loud.
Usually, I opt for the second option and no, not because I'm cynical. It is all because you, my engaged friend, are about to embark on a lifetime journey and make a promise to God that Jesus never even took, and do it all in some pretty, decked-out, architecturally romanticized church when you don't even know what a real Roman church should look like.
Of course, I'm being presumptuous. There are valid and completely understandable reasons why a person of fewer than 22 years of age would want to get married. As a matter of fact, I can list them for you.
The recession
I'm not one for calling attention to the absurdities of our country, but you see, there was this whole ordeal about mortgages and banks lending money that no one could repay and now no one has any money.
That is, of course, except for the newly married couple. See, not only does the girl have a rock that could pull at the a nice grand, but the bridal shower brings in so many gifts that if you combine the total resale of it all, that married couple could pack up and move to Brazil, where the economy has been unaffected.
There, they can get a divorce and as a bonus, not become a young American statistic. They are loaded and single. And in Brazil. Genius.
Unemployment rate
We are graduating in depressing times, my friend. No longer are college graduates becoming independent and moving away from their parents' financial safety net. Instead, they are moving back home, usually to find that their friends who never went to college are making more money in a year than it cost the grad to get a degree.
A solution (however perverse) has been found. By coupling up and thus increasing household family income, married couples can now afford their own 1960s-style suburban house and dodge the ridicule of Mr. Smarty G.E.D.
Also, after five years of marriage and a better job market, they will be experienced enough to help the country abstain from another recession. After all, the married couple knows better than anyone that ridicule by lesser people, or countries, is just not tolerable, even if absurd measures must be taken to avoid the conflict.
Military
A generation of children was created by men leaving the country for the war. Lack of contraceptives played a part as well, but that's beside the point. So, dear young couple, if military work is in your near future, then by all means, follow in the footsteps of your grandparents' generation. I mean, it isn't as if their actions have caused any major financial problems.
The end of the world
The Mayans said it, Nostradamus said it and now The History Channel uses two-thirds of its programming schedule to freak you out by repeating it over and over again. Here's what's up: the world is going to end. Soon.
According to the Mayan calendar, in December 2012, we are all doomed. Either from a major fireball from space, a worldwide flooding situation, famine or just a combination of it all; We are all going to die. Can't wait.
And neither can the married couple. Heck, if generations upon generations have been able to experience the joy of marriage, I so understand the idea that getting married now is the best way to show God that the end of the world won't stop you from getting what you want.
If one or none of these applies to you, you shouldn't be getting married. Wait five years, friend. If nothing else, you won't be a divorced 26-year-old with two kids and a mortgage.
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