Issue date: 4/8/09 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: Caroline Stasiowski [Click to enlarge]

It has been painfully brought to my attention that public intoxication should be a capital offense. Off with their heads, I say.

Now, you may think this view is a tad extreme. Just a few weeks ago, I would have agreed with you. But bitter experiences have worn away my benevolent nature. I now cry for blood.

It all started with a simple three-hour plane flight (sounds like the opening to a really bad autobiography). I sat down in my seat and noticed the one next to me was vacant, which is my second biggest hope when I'm traveling (the first being that the seat is taken by the Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate Girl). The seat on my other side was occupied by a reserved-looking gentleman somewhere in his late 20s. We nodded to each other and engaged in the usual exchange of pleasantries.

Him: "Nice to have all this extra elbow room."

Me: "Yeah, although I would prefer the Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate Girl."

Him: "I haven't had this much elbow room since that time in junior high when I didn't bathe for three weeks."

It was around this point that I noticed the half-dozen empty airline-sized liquor bottles arranged haphazardly on his tray table.

"I'm afraid of flying," he explained.

Although I'm pretty sure what he meant to say, as I learned over the next three hours, was, "I've been drinking since 4 p.m. yesterday and am feeling very, very talkative, not to mention completely ethnically insensitive!"

As if on cue, the flight attendant walked by with the drinks cart.

Flight Attendant: "Can I get y'all anything to drink today?"

Him: "I'll take another Jack and Coke!"

Me: "Got any arsenic? Actually, make that a cup of Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate laced with arsenic - I'd like to die happy. Oh, and if you happen to see the Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate Girl on any of your later flights, tell her that I'm sorry, but it couldn't be helped."

Flight Attendant: "See about getting your medication adjusted, honey. I'll bring some peanuts."

I started hoping I was suddenly allergic to peanuts. Then I thought, maybe, he was allergic to peanuts. It wouldn't be hard. One in the bottom of his Jack and Coke.

Continued...

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