Issue date: 4/14/09 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: James Cavin [Click to enlarge]

Being the only sober person on Northgate feels a little bit...well, I guess it's kind of what the last human being would feel like after the world had been overrun by zombies. That is, if zombies went around throwing up on themselves and trying to touch you inappropriately. At any moment, the teeming masses may realize you are not one of them. "He's SOBER! Kill the unbeliever! Kill!"

I was on assignment deep in a vile den of iniquity. The mission: to study the seedy, booze-fueled underworld of Texas A&M. There were only two rules: 1) don't drink anything; and 2) write down everything that happens.

I was actually surprised when my subjects began exhibiting signs of intelligence, communication and even some low-level teamwork. Two males would approach each other in the street:

"Profanity," the first one would say.

"Further profanity plus a vulgar gesture," the second one would retort.

"Two vulgar gestures involving full body movement."

The two would move on to the next hunting ground, sniffing the air tentatively for signs of females and alcohol. Strangely, this adaptive behavior seems to decrease the subject's ability to reproduce and survive, leading me to wonder what kind of natural selection is at work. (Both males died in the first cold front.)

A strange and unexpected trend started to emerge as the study continued. Apparently, sitting completely sober at a corner table writing in a notebook releases some sort of wild drunk person pheromone. Yes, this tortured writer shtick is finally starting to pay off!

One girl, swaying pleasantly in place, asked me what I was writing. I explained I was writing an article on Northgate for The Battalion.

"About all the foolish mistakes we're making?" she asked.

"Yes," I said.

"I hate you," she growled and walked off.

I made a mental note to tell the next girl who asked that I was writing a poem. "Actually, you've probably never heard of it, but I'm writing a sequel to my book, 'Twilight'..."

I was just about to breath a sigh of relief when someone collapsed into me. This girl was so drunk she couldn't stand up, and I apparently looked like a nice, stable object to lean up against.

Continued...

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