Spring Break
A puppet by any other name
There is a candidate ready, willing and able to serve this University as the most unlikely president ever.
By: Steve Humeniuk
Issue date: 6/22/09 Section: Opinion
Here and now I'd like to throw my name in the hat to be the next president of Texas A&M University.
Sure, I can hear all the criticisms now. They'll say, "But you haven't even earned a college degree yet," or "you're not qualified," or "you're not a diverse enough candidate," or "you're too much of a good ol' boy."
Well, whatever. I'm here to tell you that none of that matters. In this political climate, it's all about the friends you make and the hands you shake, and I once had a friend play Aggie football who knows Chancellor Mike McKinney's son, so I'm as good as gold. Plus, my dad claims to have met Gov. Rick Perry once.
If chosen, I would make an awesome president. I would give big cheesy smiles at every photo opportunity, and pose with former president George H.W. Bush every chance I get.
My public image would be immaculate, as I would never, ever speak to the press and always refer all meaningful questions to my spokesmen who would be some of the best at talking a lot without ever saying anything.
Students would love me because I wouldn't change a thing. Change is far too tricky to implement around this place, and no one really wants to navigate those muddy waters, so I would simply piggyback on former Texas A&M President Robert Gates's Vision 2020.
No one would criticize me, because I would blame him for any potential problems, and everyone in Aggieland still loves our secretary of defense, right?
I would be adored by faculty for promising them carte blanche on conducting their precious research. If problems in our relationship arise, I'll diffuse the situation by blaming state legislators for a lack of funding. This response will keep all the negative attention on others, and they'll remain happy with me and my empty promises.
The esteemed upper management of the Texas A&M System will surely embrace me, because I will only say "yes" to everything they ask me. No conflicts means no problems. If people ask me why I'm such a pushover, I'll tell them that I'm doing what I personally think is best for this University, through a spokesman of course. People will buy that, and the chancellor's office will wisely reward my loyalty to the system.
Former students will think I'm a great president because I will name every square inch of this campus after anyone who donates a significant amount of money to this institution.
And I know the Board of Regents will hire me because of my pledge to do all of these aforementioned things. I will be exactly what they are looking for - a puppet who will smile and play nice. I will do exactly as they say, and I will accept and direct blame when applicable.
I won't do any real work for the betterment of this University, because clearly that's no longer the responsibility of the president. The chancellor's office will steer the ship as they wish, and I'll just be the front man.
It will be perfect, and everyone will be happy, because this is how they all want the leader of Texas A&M to be. Even if they don't choose me, don't worry, the person they pick will be able to do all these things with ease.
Sure, I can hear all the criticisms now. They'll say, "But you haven't even earned a college degree yet," or "you're not qualified," or "you're not a diverse enough candidate," or "you're too much of a good ol' boy."
Well, whatever. I'm here to tell you that none of that matters. In this political climate, it's all about the friends you make and the hands you shake, and I once had a friend play Aggie football who knows Chancellor Mike McKinney's son, so I'm as good as gold. Plus, my dad claims to have met Gov. Rick Perry once.
If chosen, I would make an awesome president. I would give big cheesy smiles at every photo opportunity, and pose with former president George H.W. Bush every chance I get.
My public image would be immaculate, as I would never, ever speak to the press and always refer all meaningful questions to my spokesmen who would be some of the best at talking a lot without ever saying anything.
Students would love me because I wouldn't change a thing. Change is far too tricky to implement around this place, and no one really wants to navigate those muddy waters, so I would simply piggyback on former Texas A&M President Robert Gates's Vision 2020.
No one would criticize me, because I would blame him for any potential problems, and everyone in Aggieland still loves our secretary of defense, right?
I would be adored by faculty for promising them carte blanche on conducting their precious research. If problems in our relationship arise, I'll diffuse the situation by blaming state legislators for a lack of funding. This response will keep all the negative attention on others, and they'll remain happy with me and my empty promises.
The esteemed upper management of the Texas A&M System will surely embrace me, because I will only say "yes" to everything they ask me. No conflicts means no problems. If people ask me why I'm such a pushover, I'll tell them that I'm doing what I personally think is best for this University, through a spokesman of course. People will buy that, and the chancellor's office will wisely reward my loyalty to the system.
Former students will think I'm a great president because I will name every square inch of this campus after anyone who donates a significant amount of money to this institution.
And I know the Board of Regents will hire me because of my pledge to do all of these aforementioned things. I will be exactly what they are looking for - a puppet who will smile and play nice. I will do exactly as they say, and I will accept and direct blame when applicable.
I won't do any real work for the betterment of this University, because clearly that's no longer the responsibility of the president. The chancellor's office will steer the ship as they wish, and I'll just be the front man.
It will be perfect, and everyone will be happy, because this is how they all want the leader of Texas A&M to be. Even if they don't choose me, don't worry, the person they pick will be able to do all these things with ease.
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