Issue date: 11/5/09 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: James Cavin [Click to enlarge]

Warning: the following article touches on adult themes, and may push the envelope as far as some sensitive readers are concerned. And by push the envelope I mean tear the envelope into tiny little pieces, light it on fire and then dance gleefully on the ashes whilst singing the "Oscar Meyer Weiner Song." And by sensitive readers we mean everyone. You have been warned.

Today, we are going to talk about public displays of affection. But just what, you ask, is a public display of affection? Well, as the name implies, a public display of affection is an act that expresses emotional attachment to another person, performed in the presence of others. For instance, holding hands or if you aren't in middle school anymore, fornicating in the pool.

Apparently there is a kind of person that when confronted with a public pool says hmm, a large communal body of water, I am suddenly filled with the desire to engage in graphic public displays of affection in plain view of all my neighbors, some of whom may be trying to eat. I don't know what fuels this logic, but what I do know is that you are going to burn in the afterlife. Or this life, if I can find where the pool's chlorine is kept. (My only guess is that these people have watched far too many horror movies, and are now convinced that if they engage in this kind of behavior in a private area, a garden implement-wielding serial killer will butcher them in the first five minutes of the film.)

My entire apartment complex is populated by these people, because it is impossible to approach the pool at any time without intruding on one or more amorous couples. It's like they take shifts or something. This predicament is compounded by the fact that the pool is directly in front of my door, making it near impossible for me to leave my domicile without walking through one of these situations. And let me tell you, it's awkward (mostly because I don't know whether I should say "Howdy" or not).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against my neighbors enjoying one another's company, as long as it's done in an appropriately private place, like a dark room, on the far side of the moon...of Neptune. But I would like to be able to walk out my front door without feeling like I'm walking through your bedroom. (Also, it would be nice to be able to swim in the pool without having to make sure I'm up to date with all my shots first.)

Continued...

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